Glimpses

I saw my boy today. He's talking more now. It really hit home how much I'm missing. Like Rip van Winkle living in a cave, life goes on without me only I'm not sleeping. I sit in this room most of the day catching glimpses of real life thru short phone calls and tidbits shared online by friends. I don't really get to immerse myself in what's going on, but rather skim the highlights like customized Cliff Notes written on the fly. As a parent its hard to not feel like the bond with your child may be somehow compromised in a situation like this. Family crises lead to inevitable spoiling that just might be more appealing than a date with your crippled mom. I wheeled myself to the restroom and when I shut the door, I could hear my son frantically call out "Mama? Mama?" He thought I left without him. I called out to let him know I was still there and then quietly wept before coming out to join them. It was the first time I had ever heard genuine worry in my baby's voice. Oh mom guilt is a mindfuck. But I also felt empowered to know that he hasn't drifted from me at all. If anything he stuck by my side more today than ever. I'll be going home to him soon. And in the meantime I'll snuggle up to Cliff Notes if that's all I can get.