Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Mrs. Dash can suck it.

It's no secret that waking up paralysed makes one suddenly realize how much we take for granted. Apparently what I have is considered a form of paralysis. For about 3 weeks now I've been telling everyone "no, I'm not paralyzed I just can't really move." Um duh, Gellie. It wasn't until I saw a copy of my off work order that read "hemiparesis" that the light bulb went off. I'm paralysed.

Sure I'm gaining movement. I'm no Christopher Reeves but its slowly sinking in I'm the "D" word. I can move my arm - not with ease, but I can move it. I can make a fist - not to hold anything, but I can sort of clench it. I can't walk, but I can move my leg. I can stand with a walker and take very wobbly steps. Still wheelchair-bound for the most part. So that's the obvious. Those are things that scare us: not walking, writing, brushing teeth with the hand you're meant to. But what doesn't occur to you until you've lost these abilities is all the other little things taken from you.

For the past 22dys a whole team of people have been putting my things away for me, drying my hair, moving my phone charger to a "logical" place, and you know what? It blows. They put my shit where I can't reach it and don't dry my hair right so it wets my back so I can't slip on a sports bra because it bunches up and sticks to my skin which makes me short of breath which makes me dizzy so I have to stop what I'm doing even if a boob is still hanging out to catch my breath so I don't keel over. Right about the same time some unsuspecting nurse assistant waltzes in to check your blood sugar and feed you colorful meds that you don't even know the names of.

Ah hell. This wasn't supposed to be a rant. This may all sound trivial. But when this is every moment of everyday of your life you can't help but wonder when the fuck will I gain some autonomy over my own life again.

I can deal with watching local channels instead of cable, decaf instead of coffee which I learned the hard way makes me ill, and I've even learned to write with my left-hand. Not pretty or fast, but I can do it.

Funny. My carefree hippie self used to think that people who allowed themselves to be naked in front of others were so free. Now it feels like I won't be free until I can go a full 24hrs without someone seeing me naked.

Oh and salt. I must say that going 22dys with almost zero salt is enlightening. It has made me realize that I LOVE SALT! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, PASS THE DAMN SALT! Mrs. Dash can suck it. No really, this wasn't supposed to be a rant.


  1. Hey girl, I can't pretend to know what you are going through, but I admire your strength and ability to be positive through it all! and yeah, Mrs. Dash can suck it!

  2. I heart salt too. Sometimes I use WAY too much. I think the only thing keeping my blood pressure normal is cardio, lol. I even love salt in dark chocolate (which, if you haven't tried, is absolutely divine).

  3. i got so tired of people seeing my ass when i needed help getting dressed and going to the bathroom and all that. i got in the habit of slapping my ass if there was someone in the vicinity who could see it. if you want to know the truth, i did it to myself the other day when i thought about how long it's been since i needed help doing that stuff. i really thought that me and my ass would never have any privacy.

  4. Lmao! You're awesome! A nurse at the last hospital smacked my bare ass by mistake (trying to save me from a fall) and I asked if a girl could at least get her dinner tray first :P

  5. Just to let you know it doesn't last forever it just feels like it will. You have the right attitude! By getting angry at your new disabilities you are chasing them away more quickly! I was in a wheelchair for a year and a half and I did the simple hand/leg exercises you are now doing to recover strength. Last year I walked across America and this year I will walk from San Diego to Seattle. Your anger will take you to greater heights! God bless.

  6. You cracked me up -- awesome post. Hang in there, meantime, because it *will* get better.

  7. I am so glad to have found your blog. Your beginning is great as it reminds us all how important basic pleasures in life are to us. My mother was eating baby food consistency and drinking nectar consistency for a month. I look forward to reading the rest!